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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

When Delays become Disabilities--Part II

Our 7 gifts from God!!
I will say something up front--this has been a harder post to write-it has been on my heart for a LONG time, yet, to put it out there, for the world to see, is hard!
BUT, this last adoption has been hard from day one, and for those of you who read this blog, or correspond with me via email, or know me in real life, you already knew that, so, here goes...

Our last 2 additions to our family, Lili and Rose, came home at much older ages than our other children.
Even though we had done the parenting seminars, and read the books on attachment, and re-read the stuff on orphanage delays and scoured the web for blogs about older child adoptions, and "thought" we were ready, we were extremely humbled to find out, we were NOT ready for what was about to transpire in our home after returning in Jan, 2012 with an almost 7 yr old and a 14 yr old.

I suppose we went into it all with some pretty vague assumptions/hopes/dreams that they would be ready to be parented and become part of a large family.
After all, they had both been in foster homes, instead of orphanages, and we had been skyping and connecting with Rose for some time, so we HOPED there were some bonds being formed already.

Truth be told, I don't think either girl had a CLUE what being part of a family was really all about.
Lili was mainly an only child in her foster home, but the foster parents were more like grand parents, and seemed QUITE permissive, and of course she came home very sick with a months' old sinus infection, so I was not too sure she was even getting the best care she could have, being she was the only one in the home.
Rose was in a loving foster home, and for that we are thankful, but it was only for a couple of her years, not MOST of them, and where she spent most of her years is largely a mystery, although we do know it was MANY different places, and so, knowing how to give and receive love was not something that would come easily for her.
Lili did not like being in a large, noisy family.
She was a loner, liked her space, and wanted ALL the attention.
Rose was used to a quieter home, although there were many with more severe needs than we had in our home, yet we were there, IT WAS MUCH QUIETER than our little boys ever were.
Rose was scared, and although she put up a good front, the fear really came out when it was time for goodbyes. And who can blame her?
Just saying goodbye to our guide in China put her into a tail spin, and she had only know him for a week.
I learned very quickly that Rose hid lots of pain behind a false smile and though she was very eager to please, she also wanted lots of control, and soon became quite manipulative, pouty, and emotional.
We had bouts of both girls wetting the bed. We had kicking and clawing and refusing to do what they were told. I expected to see some of this with Lili, I was totally unprepared to see it in Rose.
We tried havimg them sleep together, but that was a disaster, because Lili would be the most impish little thing when my back was turned, or the lights went out, and that would IRK her sister to no end, causing a whole morning of bad behavior.
Then we put them in different beds, but the 3 girls were all in 1 bedroom-another mistake.
Rose seemed to want to bond with Nick-she had a couple foster brothers she was very close to. Nick had lots of compassion on her, yet soon became weary of the drama, tears, lack of cooperation, and feeble attempts to learn english. Since she had been with english speaking Americans for over 2 years, we hoped she had a better "basic" understanding of english, but we figured out that she would not respond to the english very well in the foster home, so then they would relay everything in Mandarin, and then she was happy.
We had been told Lili had speech delays, and since both boys had apraxia, I didn't think a speech issue was a big deal. But, as we got closer to travel, we got a rather scary video of her, that sent up huge red flags as to the extent of her delays, but what to do?? We were traveling soon, and I had read about parents leaving children behind after meeting them, and DID NOT want to be that parent ( no offense to those who did this, I TOTALLY GET IT), it was just my pride, you know!!!
We had been told Rose was "slow".
HOW I wish I had inquired more deeply into this.
I was prepared for being behind in school, for "slow" in school, yet I was NOT prepared for the social slowness, the actual physical slow moving, eating, talking, the emotional slowness, or the behavioral issues that came with the whole package.
Rose wanted BADLY to conform to our ways, and FIT IN!!
She put on a head covering without any hesitation, and I know she still has no idea why we wear one.
She wanted to dress like Kendell, and quickly shed her skirts and tops she came with.
It took me a couple months to see past the eagerness to conform into a heart that had NO parameters, and wanted NO boundaries put on her.

Even though she was in a fairly strict Christian home when we got her, she was compliant, went with the flow, and did what was expected of her, without any real "drive" to do better. She just did what she did, because that's what she always did!
Once she came into our home, lost her mandarin fairly quickly, failed to acquire english for a LONG time, and lost all desire to 'fit in' and became quite controlling, rebellious, and manipulative.

Well, DUH, you may be saying, she was 14, that's what happens with 14 yr old adoptees, MUCH of the time.
Yes, DUH, How could I have been so ignorant, thinking it wouldn't happen to us?
They came from HARD places.
It's called trauma parenting.
I had read about it, but I hadn't LIVED it, and once you live it, it's called SURVIVAL!!!

Soon, blogs like ONE THANKFUL MOM and Urban Servant and Emppowered to Connect became my lifeline to moms who had been there, done that!!!
Another HUGE lifeline for me was an email group of adoptive mamas of children from hard places who homeschool. Talk about a MAJOR bonus for me!!! I could connect with many other moms almost instantly after sending out an SOS email-it was HUGE when we were in crisis!
And it was incredibly helpful to have those other moms in that email group that had so many of the same issues, and could give me instant support, help, and prayer.
There is nothing like someone who is walking the same walk, to be able to come along side you and lend a shoulder, or an ear, or a prayer, suggest a website, a book, or a possible professional to seek help from.
This is getting long enough, so I will have to continue this into Pts III and IV.
I will get into the actual delays/disabilites of our girls next time, and then, in the final post, I will discuss what we are doing now, and what our plan of attack is to make life work with our 4 special ones!!
Until next time
Be Blessed


K said...

The whole slow moving thing drove me NUTS with my girls. I went through the days saying, "Move your bodies faster!" One day recently, after getting them up an hour earlier and still having them take the entire time to get ready, I sent them back to bed and timed them getting ready. I added 10 minutes to that time and said that's all they have every day to get ready. They finally got it. I can't wait to read the next post!

Holly said...

Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart, Chris.

Karen said...

I don't even know where to start with commenting on the slowness! How can a young and generally healthy body move like a 85 year old woman? in EVERYTHING she does!

Debberoo said...

I haven't visited recently and I am so sorry to read everything that you have all been coping with. I am glad that you have found other families who understand to connect with.

I remember so well you bringing your 3 TW boys home, I remember seeing you photos in the TWCA office the day we met our little boy.

My heart is sad for the struggles.

I don't really have the words but I wish progress and love and laughter for all of you.

Hua Hai said...
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