I have to be honest with you all! I have not had a peaceful or quiet spirit in the last couple months!
It seems this adoption process is getting tougher on us, even though we aren't first-timers. We are struggling with many things in the last few weeks, and I am in dire need of a major dose of His peace to stabilize me and keep my ship afloat!
I need some serious lap time with my Savior. I need to nestle into His chest, feel His arms around me, and let His quiet heart quiet my troubled heart. I need to let my plans and agendas drop, and let His will be done. I need to allow Jesus' peace to fill me and quiet me, and still the storm that is raging inside me.
I am like the faithless disciples, in the midst of the storm. They feared, they cried out, they were sure their ship was doomed. And basically, Jesus said, "Where is your faith?"
and I heard Him, in my tumultous heart, say that to me this morning.
Why am I letting myself get worked up into a frenzy of disappointment and despair, when we have the assurance that this adoption is part of God's plan for us, that our 2 girls will come home to us SOMETIME in the near future, and that we are in the business of ministering to orphans?
Why do I keep focusing on the "what if's" instead of the truths?
Why do I let myself "go there?"
Why am I like the raging sea, waves billowing about, feeling no sense of peace and calm?
Because I have chosen to allow myself this "luxury" of wallowing in self.
And boy, has it ever been HORRID!!!
My morning devotions consisted of near tears because I couldn't find my book I started re-reading this weekend-oh boy, how sad is that? And then I had real tears, because after I found it, the reading for the day was JUST what I needed to hear, see, meditiate upon, and cling to for dear life.
Of course, there comes with it a chastisement form the Lord for allowing myself to get to this point. The obsessing over how long, how many days, how much longer.....
trying to track every detail, trying to anazlye every possibility, trying to "make" it all happen according to MY plans-
Guess what? That's not how God does life, is it?
and it's certainly not how a godly woman (trying to be a godly woman) handles life in the midst of storms.
To say I have seen the light is an understatement. God has shook me good this morning, and I am so thankful.
He has shown me, again, that my unbelief, my fear, my anxiety, are not going to bring me peace, or bring Rose and Lilly home any faster. Nor will it provide a safe haven for my 5 children already in my home, nor provide my dear husband with the love and support he needs during the storms of his life!!
God is good, all the time. He put a song of praise in the heart of mine!
I am determined, and with His help, I will succeed, to quit obsessing, to quit over-analyzing, to quit raging, to quit denying He is in control!
A quote from Streams in the Desert, my devotional, will stay with me for the day, and hopefully longer than that:
"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." George Mueller!!
Another quote from today's devotion: You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us the promises in a quiet hour; God seals our covenants with great and gracious words, then He steps back and waits to see how much we believe; then He lets the tempter come, and the test seems to contradict all that he has spoken. It is then that faith wins its crown. That is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened seamen, cry, "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me."
With God's grace and help, I will begin today to BELIEVE Him for all His promises, and all His plans, and "look up and claim victory"!!