WHEW, just trying to catch my breath, and realizing it has been so long since we updated anyone on what life has been like around here!
I would like to be writing long, eloquent posts about how WONDERFUL life is on our little farm, and how quaint, quiet, and peaceful it is....
BUT
that is not our life.
I am one super-stressed out mama, trying to figure out how to mesh personalities, emotional, mental and physical differences and call it FAMILY!!!
SO far, it has not been good, and we are barely surviving.
We have spent most of the past 6 months in crisis mode, and while I feel I have been reeling from crises for the past 6-7 years, there have been some very REAL challenges the past few months that have left me empty, black circles under my eyes, an ache in my heart for dreams lost, and emotions so overloaded that I don't know a good day from a bad one anymore, they all run together, and they usually aren't very good.
Life is about surviving a crisis EVERY DAY!!!
The emotional crises that drive a person to their knees, or else makes you bitter and hard, and I have been heavy into bitter and hard lately.
The dream of farming along our children has not taken the route we had hoped for, as there just isn't enough of any of us to go around to do everything that needs doing.
Marriage woes, older child worries, young child issues, financial concerns, and you add it all up, and one would have to wonder, WHAT HAVE WE DONE????
Years of adoptions, selling farms, and moving have taken their toll on our pocket book, our emotions, and our physical and mental strength.
I have read that many marriages don't survive all the crises that we have been thru, and while we are holding on, and knowing God has better in mind for us, how to get there is unfathomable at the moment.
God seems distant, older youth are growing distant, newer additions are constantly adding challenges, most recently, continuous MAD cycles, where EVERYTHING makes her mad, and now she is mad at God for bringing her here from China.
The anger, somberness, orneriness, and lashing out at the little ones has us quite concerned.
The emotional peaks and valleys she goes thru are mind boggling to a parent, much less a sibling.
Then, there are the non-verbals, and how they interact, and how they seek attention, and how they DEMAND attention, in the midst of a crisis.
This is not a nice post to write, and it has not been a nice life to live.
This is not how we dreamed it would be.
But, this is our life right now, and boy, I want OFF!
I am venting, in hopes of getting some clarity as I write. Keeping it all inside has been a KILLER to my mind and heart this summer. But who do you talk to, when no one close has been thru anything like this?
I scour blogs looking for hope, for ideas, for inspiration.
yet, time is so limited, resources are quite minimal at the time, and desire is sorely lacking, as I have seemed to settle into a complacency that is kind of scarey-or maybe its got a medical term like anxiety or depression, neither of which I really want to deal with either.
I do know who is in charge, and I know He has a bigger plan, but how to get there from here is beyond the scope of my understanding.
Will you stand in the gap for us?
Will you pray?
Will you offer wisdom if you are btdt??
We are a family in CRISIS, hurting, wanting more, but not knowing how to get it!
Thanks for listening.
Much Love
Chris
