When Delays become Disabilities--Part II

Our 7 gifts from God!!

I will say something up front--this has been a harder post to write-it has been on my heart for a LONG time, yet, to put it out there, for the world to see, is hard!

BUT, this last adoption has been hard from day one, and for those of you who read this blog, or correspond with me via email, or know me in real life, you already knew that, so, here goes...

Our last 2 additions to our family, Lili and Rose, came home at much older ages than our other children.

Even though we had done the parenting seminars, and read the books on attachment, and re-read the stuff on orphanage delays and scoured the web for blogs about older child adoptions, and "thought" we were ready, we were extremely humbled to find out, we were NOT ready for what was about to transpire in our home after returning in Jan, 2012 with an almost 7 yr old and a 14 yr old.

I suppose we went into it all with some pretty vague assumptions/hopes/dreams that they would be ready to be parented and become part of a large family.

After all, they had both been in foster homes, instead of orphanages, and we had been skyping and connecting with Rose for some time, so we HOPED there were some bonds being formed already.

Truth be told, I don't think either girl had a CLUE what being part of a family was really all about.

Lili was mainly an only child in her foster home, but the foster parents were more like grand parents, and seemed QUITE permissive, and of course she came home very sick with a months' old sinus infection, so I was not too sure she was even getting the best care she could have, being she was the only one in the home.

Rose was in a loving foster home, and for that we are thankful, but it was only for a couple of her years, not MOST of them, and where she spent most of her years is largely a mystery, although we do know it was MANY different places, and so, knowing how to give and receive love was not something that would come easily for her.

Lili did not like being in a large, noisy family.
She was a loner, liked her space, and wanted ALL the attention.

Rose was used to a quieter home, although there were many with more severe needs than we had in our home, yet we were there, IT WAS MUCH QUIETER than our little boys ever were.

Rose was scared, and although she put up a good front, the fear really came out when it was time for goodbyes. And who can blame her?

Just saying goodbye to our guide in China put her into a tail spin, and she had only know him for a week.

I learned very quickly that Rose hid lots of pain behind a false smile and though she was very eager to please, she also wanted lots of control, and soon became quite manipulative, pouty, and emotional.

We had bouts of both girls wetting the bed. We had kicking and clawing and refusing to do what they were told. I expected to see some of this with Lili, I was totally unprepared to see it in Rose.

We tried havimg them sleep together, but that was a disaster, because Lili would be the most impish little thing when my back was turned, or the lights went out, and that would IRK her sister to no end, causing a whole morning of bad behavior.

Then we put them in different beds, but the 3 girls were all in 1 bedroom-another mistake.

Rose seemed to want to bond with Nick-she had a couple foster brothers she was very close to. Nick had lots of compassion on her, yet soon became weary of the drama, tears, lack of cooperation, and feeble attempts to learn english. Since she had been with english speaking Americans for over 2 years, we hoped she had a better "basic" understanding of english, but we figured out that she would not respond to the english very well in the foster home, so then they would relay everything in Mandarin, and then she was happy.

We had been told Lili had speech delays, and since both boys had apraxia, I didn't think a speech issue was a big deal. But, as we got closer to travel, we got a rather scary video of her, that sent up huge red flags as to the extent of her delays, but what to do?? We were traveling soon, and I had read about parents leaving children behind after meeting them, and DID NOT want to be that parent ( no offense to those who did this, I TOTALLY GET IT), it was just my pride, you know!!!

We had been told Rose was "slow".

HOW I wish I had inquired more deeply into this.

I was prepared for being behind in school, for "slow" in school, yet I was NOT prepared for the social slowness, the actual physical slow moving, eating, talking, the emotional slowness, or the behavioral issues that came with the whole package.

Rose wanted BADLY to conform to our ways, and FIT IN!!

She put on a head covering without any hesitation, and I know she still has no idea why we wear one.

She wanted to dress like Kendell, and quickly shed her skirts and tops she came with.

It took me a couple months to see past the eagerness to conform into a heart that had NO parameters, and wanted NO boundaries put on her.

Even though she was in a fairly strict Christian home when we got her, she was compliant, went with the flow, and did what was expected of her, without any real "drive" to do better. She just did what she did, because that's what she always did!

Once she came into our home, lost her mandarin fairly quickly, failed to acquire english for a LONG time, and lost all desire to 'fit in' and became quite controlling, rebellious, and manipulative.

Well, DUH, you may be saying, she was 14, that's what happens with 14 yr old adoptees, MUCH of the time.

Yes, DUH, How could I have been so ignorant, thinking it wouldn't happen to us?

They came from HARD places.

It's called trauma parenting.

I had read about it, but I hadn't LIVED it, and once you live it, it's called SURVIVAL!!!

Soon, blogs like ONE THANKFUL MOM and Urban Servant and Emppowered to Connect became my lifeline to moms who had been there, done that!!!

Another HUGE lifeline for me was an email group of adoptive mamas of children from hard places who homeschool. Talk about a MAJOR bonus for me!!! I could connect with many other moms almost instantly after sending out an SOS email-it was HUGE when we were in crisis!

And it was incredibly helpful to have those other moms in that email group that had so many of the same issues, and could give me instant support, help, and prayer.

There is nothing like someone who is walking the same walk, to be able to come along side you and lend a shoulder, or an ear, or a prayer, suggest a website, a book, or a possible professional to seek help from.

This is getting long enough, so I will have to continue this into Pts III and IV.

I will get into the actual delays/disabilites of our girls next time, and then, in the final post, I will discuss what we are doing now, and what our plan of attack is to make life work with our 4 special ones!!

Until next time

Be Blessed

Chris

A disability meets a duckling

We have 4 children with disabilities. Some days it seems to go smoothly, some days it doesn't.

Since Rose had her surgery, Lili has been filling in on the chore end, helping Tyler with calves and chickens, and she also has to fill up the silage cart with silage so the milkers can feed the cows.

The first 10 days, she did a FABULOUS job. The last 10 days, NOT SO GOOD!!

In fact, each day has had some sort of ISSUE with her chores.

Mostly, she is just lazy, and doesn't want to do much, but still, we always require a certain amount of chore help from all the children-it builds character:)

It seems that she has gone backward in comprehension, as well as desire, and almost looks for ways to be difficult. Dawdling would be a very KIND word to use-and I do have a purpose in all this, so bear with me!

We also had a set of ducklings born about a week ago, and we are so thrilled to see them waddling all over the yard with their mama.

Lili's cognitive impairment ranges quite a bit, as does Rose's, and so sometimes, we just get commplacent and forget that inside, there is a brain that wants to be independent. Most of the time, we see the total dependence on us for SO MUCH, like bathing, washing and doing hair, instructions in most daily tasks, issues with vocabulary, etc...and then there is a day when she tries something totally out of character, and we are flabbergasted.

Like trying to catch a duckling...and they DO NOT want to be caught-it is a real challenge for any of the bigs to catch one, so how she actually chased one down and was able to pick it up, we will never know.

All we know is the outcome was a squished, thrown down, dead duckling. And so now, instead of watching the mama hover around her 7 babies, she now has 6, and we were all quite sad.

And yes, Lili was supposed to be doing a job when she decided to tackle the duckling, and no, she was not having a good morning already, as NOTHING was getting done well, even with supervision.

SOOOOOO,

My question to all my bloggy friends with disabled children,

How do you handle their laziness, their lack of direction even when doing simple chores, and their lack of comprehension that they did something really wrong????

Lili has been showing SO MUCH language lately, using words that just floored me, and then, she just goes TOTALLY backward.

All of a sudden, even simple things evade her.

I look forward to some help here, as it is an issue that kind of runs through all 4 of them,

the serious ups and downs in comprehension, ability, desire, etc...

But, this is the first causalty, and we really hope to keep it that way:)

My sweet little girl, almost 9 years old, I so wish I could get inside your head and see what makes you tick!!!

We love you, we want to guide you to as complete a life as you are capable, but we are stumped sometimes.

Blessings

Chris for all 9 of us!

ONE YEAR HOME AS A FAMILY OF 9

Where does the time go?

I can't believe we have reached the mark of our first anniversary HOME with our family of 9!!

Today, when we should be in church, and 5 of us have a flu bug, maybe the dreaded influenza, but it gives me time to ponder a bit and remember what was going on 1 year ago.

All month, I have been remembering where we were 1 year ago, what we were thinking, how we were feeling while in China, and now that we are HOME for 1 year, I think it is time for a NEW beginning.

Rose and Lili have been thru SO much in the last year.

EVERYONE has been thru a lot. And it hasn't all been sweet or fun.

There have been so many days of despairing, of disagreements, of disappointments.... YET, thru it all, we have seen how sweet it can be when we are all clicking and things are going well.

There HAVE been good days, in fact good weeks. There have been lots of smiles, giggles, sharing, learning, loving, and bonding.

There have been moments when we see, AHA, it WILL work out some day.

What I need to keep in mind, is that what I expected, and what is reality, do not mesh, and I NEED TO ADJUST my expectations.

Reality is not THAT horrible.
It is not unliveable.

It is not unbearable.

It is just hard, BUT whoever promised me a simple life?

Who ever said parenting 7 children would be easy?

Who said parenting 7 children, 4 with special needs, would be a storybook fantasy?

I have been doing some real soul-searching lately, and while I still lose patience, and want things easier, I am trying to have a better attitude, and realize, its really not about me, or the family we were 2 years ago. Its about who we are now, and what Jesus is trying to do thru us and with us and for us.

Rose really enjoys days when life is predictable, and she knows what will be happening. When she can get up, dress, make the beds, and come down and help in the kitchen, without lots of rushing and being pushed because we are headed out the door for some unknown reason, she has a lot better day.

SCHEDULE is crucial for Rose.

She likes routine, and she likes doing things the same every day.

When we upset her routine, she does not do well.

SOOO, we need to work harder at having a better schedule, and FOLLOWING it.

WHICH, while we are moving, will be a challenge, but hopefully we can keep our eyes on the end result, a new farm, a new house, more space, and we can all work towards that, and keep our attitudes in check, even in the midst of the flu bug.

Lili is doing very well lately.

She ADORES her daddy, and needs a ceratin amount of time snuggling with  him, holding his hand while he was sick, sitting beside him by the parlor stove, anything.

She has been trying very hard to be a good sister to Isaiah and Isaac, and seems to really want to help with little chores with Isaac.

She loves being outside, but chores, especially egg chores, are not good for her unsupervised. We usualy end up with scrambled eggs when she is collecting eggs:)

Her speech is really not doing very well tho, and tho her comprehension seems pretty good most days, there are days, when I am sure she does not understand a thing we have said.

She has this horribly nasal speech, and many sounds are just about impossible for her to even try.

She loves the one on one time of speech therapy, and we have nick-named her little sarge, as she certainly likes to be in charge-even with the speech pathologist-who loves her anyway, and is always eager to praise her and tell me how hard she has worked during her session.

I often wonder what the next year will bring for the girls.

Moving must be unsettling to them, yet neither has the words to express what may be going on in their minds and hearts.

YET, we have such hope that more space, and more time working as a family for chores, and more school time will make a difference for everyone.

There have been times in the past year when I honestly felt like, "why did we do this!!"

YET, today, I have peace, and I know that I would have done it all over again, even knowing how hard some days are, how the emotional battles and behavioral battles can be sooo draining and frustrating, how the lack of communication skills for BOTH girls can hugely impact the family dynamics.

I really need to keep MY focus on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who put our feet on this path, and who WILL give us all the grace and strength and wisdom that we need to make this family a cohesive unit.

Satan is dead-set against adoption.

We know he hates it when the fatherless find forever homes.

SO, we know he has been having a lot of fun with our family in the past 6 months, as we have been wallowing in pain and pity and despair, instead of looking up and claiming VICTORY!!!

I will always be brutally honest about older child adoption-IT IS NOT EASY!!

BUT, I will always stand behind the decision we made to follow Jesus and do it-it's like marriage, thru thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health, we will survive, and be the better for it someday down the road!!

We are hunkering down for the arctic blast that is headed our way tonight-windchills of -35 are expected for up to 3 days-sounds like some good nights for snuggling, reading, and loving on our children-can't even think of moving on days like this, its all we can do to stay warm, and do the simple chores we have around here right now, and pray no one else gets the BUG!!!

Blessings to each of you

Chris, for all 9 of us

one year ago on gotcha day!!

 

gathering to sing Happy Birthday to Daddy via the web

from the lobby in our first hotel in Guiyang

I think they have all grown up a bit since last year!!!

 

Blogger is not letting me upload any new pictures tonight, so these will have to suffice for a quick snapshot of where we were 1 year ago!!!

Ta Da!!!!!! TA!!!!!

We are thrilled!

We are humbled!

We are delighted with the news that our daughters are coming home to us

in January!!!

We have our official TA-Travel Approval from China!!!

OH MY, the list of things to do!!!

BUT, keeping it all in perspective,

the best news is

Rosalyn Hannah Waughtal

and Lilianna Grace Waughtal

ARE COMING HOME!!!!!!

Delighting in His goodness, Honored to be busy about His work, and

Thrilled to be meeting them in about 2 weeks.

Although nothing is concrete at this time.

We are waiting for our ConsulateAppointment, and the whole trip works back from that date, which looks to be around Jan17-18.

tears of  joy, lots of Halleluah's, and grinning from ear to ear!!!

Rejoice with us

Kendell, you have 2 sisters, and they will be sharing your room by Jan 22, 2012:)

In Him,

One happy Mama and Baba

GOTTA LOVE PAPERWORK

WE GOT IT!!

WE GOT IT!!!

Lili's LOA came today!!

and ya know what??

They were dated the same day.

In fact, the really ironic thing is:

Hers was the first one given-

Rosalyn's was numerically 2nd!

And we got Rose's on Friday, and found out about Lili's today!

If I live to be 100, I WILL NEVER understand the ins and outs of this

crazy adoption system we endeavor to survive.

All I know is, I am praising Him for bringing these 2 girls into our lives, and

His hand will not lead us where His grace will not keep us!!!!!

We were blessed, about a week ago, to get new pictures of our little imp!

She just seems so full of smiles and happiness and energy.

My goodness, I am going to be one busy mama when we all get home together!

Now, on to the USCIS paperwork mountain that needs to be leveled before I head to bed!

Blessings

Chris and family